March, 2011

Loving What Is

After visiting with my pastor a few weeks ago he recommended I read a book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.

It is a very interesting book and has really solidified my belief in my thought of, it is what it is.
She says in the book there are three types of business: your own business, someone else’s business or God’s business.

When you are in someone else’s business you cannot be totally whole and present in your own business. Example: you are all up in a friend’s business in what your friend shouldn’t have done in some situation – none of your business. You can’t be present in your own business if you are raped up in someone else’s business.

I am looking at my health as God’s business.
It is His to take control of, it His to do with what He needs to do, it is His – not mine.

One of my best friends told me today at the gym that she is doesn’t understand how I am handling this so well.

In my mind, there is nothing for me to handle.
Yes it sucks big time that I will be in chemo for maybe 10 months or maybe 10 years.
At this point I don’t know.
But I do know that no amount of worry, no amount of “what if” scenarios played out in my mind, no amount of anything but putting one foot in front of the other will help me right now.
Now, don’t get me wrong.

I have major breakdowns, I get pissed, I really want to beat up a fax machine with a baseball bat and listen to “Damn it feels good to be gangster” (little Office reference if you didn’t get it).

I do give myself a few minutes daily. Not a few hours, not a few days only a few minutes of my pissed pity party and then I have to gather myself again and move on.

I had one of those today when I was trying to decide what day I should have chemo. I just needed to know what days after chemo I would feel my worst, and no one could seem to tell me. I was mad.

Someone just tell me something so I can know what to do.

After talking to a great friend who also works at Tx oncology I got my answer . She asked the pharmacist and according to him 90% of people just feel really worn down but not down and out like I was last time.

Eric did a little more research and I am thinking I will feel like I have a cold. No one day seems to be worse than another. That is what I needed to know. I just needed some facts.
If all goes as planned my first chemo day will be this Friday at 10 a.m.
“Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs.” ~ Anonymous

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