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I guess it is time I write this. I was thinking if I didn’t write it or talk about it that it would somehow not be true and go away – I am pretty sure that is not actually the case.

Yesterday was a really, really hard day.

Here are the facts – I am not sure how so much got lost in translation from the CT report in May to now – I think we were all on such a high from the great response, Eric and I didn’t ask enough questions. The spot that was a huge cluster on the front of my lungs was the spot that was left after the CT scan – I was under the impression that whole thing was gone – not so much. That is the spot that has grown since the May CT scan – we can’t just have it removed surgically because it is all twisted up in blood vessels and what not. There is a new spot but too small to show actual uptake. The spot on my left shoulder is still there – hasn’t gotten bigger or smaller and there is still some on my right rib.

I am so grateful that we knew about most of this on Monday otherwise yesterday would have been a complete mess – we had time to digest the news and get our questions together before actually talking to her.

So I started on a new chemo cocktail yesterday: carboplatin and gemcitabine. We are also trying to get me into a trail for Iniparib – I should know about this next week. These 2 chemos are more intense than what I was on with more potential for side effects. However, with this combo and the parp inhib (trial stuff) they have had great response.

I am going to start asking y’all for specific prayers – I have heard people having true miracles happen from this.

My prayer for this week is: to get into the trial and not feel side-effects.

Eric and I allowed ourselves to have our pity party last night and get it all out on the table, but today we woke up fresh and ready to take it on. We are well aware I more than likely will be in chemo for quite some time, but peace has been made with that fact. I was questioning how long I can go on like this, but after today doing what we do, I know I can do this forever – I might just need to sleep more than normal people.

I am also on the fence of doing a raw/vegan diet. We have pretty much been there on the vegan stuff except a few items and well with my vitamix, I can easily do raw. We also had the best gazpacho yesterday and I could easily eat that every day. I don’t know…I just don’t know. Of course I want to do all I can do but at what point am I going to drive myself crazy reading stuff that might or might not work for me?