3 years

It will be 3 years ago on Friday that I got the call I never
wanted to get.  The call I honestly never
thought was possible to get again.

Yes, I was naïve back then – I lived in my peaceful ignorance
is bliss bubble.

Hey, I was happy there!

I didn’t take the time to educate myself on what could
happen, because in my mind if I knew what could happen then that fear would
consume me – like it sometimes does now because let’s be honest I am all too familiar
with what can happen – it seems to happen to me all the time.

I can easily say never in a million years could I have
imaged  this scenario of a sh*t show as
my life.

I don’t really want to recap what has happened in the past 3
years – it is what is.  I will one of these days.

It has been harder than hard at some points, sometimes I honestly
didn’t know how I would continue on living the life I have been handed, I
probably have cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool (or maybe not that
many?!?!), I have had to relearn to walk with one numb leg, type, write, paint
and some much more not once but twice,  I
keep having to learn how to live my new life that is me for now.

I try hard not to freak out and crumble every time I have a
headache or a new pain in body that isn’t easily explained away.

I try hard not to get mad at God when things start going
really bad.

I try to forgive myself for not being the mom, wife,
daughter, sister, friend that I want to be, but to be completely honest I am
not really sure I ever was as “great” as I remember myself being. Who knows?

I try hard to go easy on myself for the all the weight I have
gained from steroids. 

I try hard not to compare my story to other’s stories, and have
finally accepted all of our stories are completely different and that is ok –
even good.  What would we talk about if
all of our stories were the same?

So here I am.

3 years later.

Still trying to make sense of it all.

Continuing to dig through the rubble and once again
rebuilding me.

Some say that is a miracle in itself being as a lot of
others don’t survive 3 years past their breast cancer metastasizing. I say it
is God’s plan – even though I am mad at Him half the time, I do realize there
is a Plan.