It is offical…I have been kicked off my trial drug

I am kind of in shock – kind of not – kind of ok – kind of not ok???

I was officially kicked off my BSI trail drug yesterday.

I feel a few things here but am still wrapping my head around this.

On one hand – I am scared – of course. 

I feel like BSI has kept my “body” clean since I started it in September, 2011. I say “body” because I don’t mean my brain included with this.

The BSI has never been able to cross the blood brain barrier.

BSI effects are known to me.

I knew I would get it every Monday and Thursday – that was my job.  I would go to treatment 2 times a week, I had my routine, I knew when I would and wouldn’t feel good and I knew the BSI was working.

On the other hand, I was/am ready for a change…on my levels.

I was tired of going 2 times a week.

I was tired of being tired – but now I realize that that tired might be NOTHING compared to my new tired – only time can tell that.

I was tired of being tied to that schedule – but now I am thinking what in the hell am I going to do without that schedule?

I was tired of not being to go out of town for longer periods of time.

But I knew – I knew what I was going to feel like.

I do feel in my heart it will be good – it all is good but that doesn’t mean I am not scared of the unknown.

My schedule for the next 2 weeks are a little crazy, but we have come to realize this is life and just like every life…just like everyone else – all we can do is live in the moment we are in – or that is my hope for me at least.

May 29 – I go get fitted with my radiation mask.

May 31 – I get my head stiches out – I can’t believe it has only been 2 weeks since my 3rd brain surgery.

June 3 – Ian started karate camp…which I think is going to be GREAT fun for him!

June 6 – see my brain chemo to see what plan is

June 7 – see Dr H

And sometime within all the above, I will be getting radiation again – I should find that out today what that schedule is.

Oh yeah – we also are redoing our new house!! and hope to move in about a month!?!?

I guess no time like the present?!?!

Please pray that all works seamlessly according to His plan.

I can’t plan the next steps because I have no idea what they are and it is kind of (of A LOT!) freaking me out.