I wish I knew…

I wish I could say sorry for not posting in such a long time
– I can’t though.

I haven’t had it in me to write anything positive or write
anything at all.

I wish I would have known what a complete toll this stupid
brain surgery and radiation would have had on me.

I wish I would have known many things:

How much more I should have appreciated feeling good when I did

How hard it is to feel bad

How it is all too easy to shut out the world but in reality,
that is the only thing I can do right at this moment.  For those who are concerned with it, don’t be
– don’t take it personal – I am doing what I need to do for me and for my boys –
that is all I can do right at this point.

I had to get another MRI on Monday because I was feeling
like such crap over the weekend. The good news is there are no new areas of
concern.  The bad news is there is still
a ton of swelling that was making me feel like crap. They upped my steroids,
gave me new meds for the queasiness and I am praying for it all to start
working….and soon.

I don’t know how to reset from here. Some days are good,
others aren’t.

I feel like when I am ready to hit the reset button and say
this is it, this will be where my new normal starts – something happens and I
start feeling worse again. 

Maybe I need to write daily – give it a scale so I can see
it daily?  Then when I look back, I can
see – oh, I had x out of y days good – better than last week…that is what I will
do.

So far, todays scale would be a 6.

Please pray the swelling goes down quick and it stays down
this time.

Please pray for strength, grace and hope…all of which I need
so much right now.