Hold my hand

I am not sure where to even start or where to even go with
this – with this whole situation I am once again facing

This whole situation my family and friends are once again
enduring with and for me

I want to be strong but I feel like my courage it seeping
out faster than God can refill my cup

I want to understand but I know I never will

So then I try to give it away – all of it away to God, but
let me tell you friends that is hard. 
There always seems to be a tiny piece that latches on and lingers

My whole right leg and foot are numb again.

I told Dr hottie that I just want to be able to walk after
this surgery – and I am fine even if that is with a cane.

But if I have to choose one – walk or use of my right hand –
I will take my hand to draw, paint and write.

I don’t think it is fair for me to think if I have to choose
one.

Oh Sweet Sweet God – please heal me, please protect me,
please be with me through this all and carry me to the other side of the valley

I am scared

My girls had a birthday party for me yesterday, where we laughed, cried and come up with a plan. I told them they can’t let me hole up like I wanted to last time. They made me a video – I haven’t seen yet.

I am going to make myself a video today to remind me about how far I have come these past 4 months and that it can once again be done.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I
will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right
hand.

Surgery is scheduled first thing Thursday morning.

I am going to a Prayer Warrior today after dropping Ian off
at school, then my mom and sister will be here and hopefully we will get
pedicures at some point today?

Please pray first and foremost this is just necrosis – that means
just scare tissue and no tumor. Please pray for God to guide all my Doctors and
comfort my family and friends.