Renee Sendelbach I feel that I am on an edge.
An edge I have been on too many times.
An edge I am all too familiar with.
An edge that is exhilarating and completely exhausting…all
at the same time.
An edge I can’t seem to get away from.
An edge I have crossed too many times – both climbing over
it and falling off it.
Since this thing called cancer entered my life back in 2008, I seem to live on this edge.
It seems that I am always on one side of the edge. It is
either all or nothing.
I can’t walk the middle ground.
My current edge is my health – which seems to be the theme
of most of my edges the past 6 years.
Either physical or mental health, or both.
Since December of last year I have been standing on this particular
edge – waiting…wishing…praying.
I just want to be on one side or the other.
I want to either feel good or feel like shit for an extended
period of time. And yes I realize how weird that sounds, but this up and down
cycle I continue to go through is starting to get the best of me.
I never know what is next, what the next day holds for me…will
I be able to walk without a cane, will my head hurt so bad all I can do is
sleep, will I be dizzy and nauseated, will I be able to drive, will I feel like
talking on the phone, will I want to write or paint – what does my tomorrow
hold for me?
I never know until I am there.
And all that living in moment stuff is great and all, but
really, I am tired of living in the moment because for once I would like to
plan out a little of my life.
We had a scheduled cruise
to leave on Easter Sunday with Eric’s family.
I was so looking forward to that cruise.
To just be.
To get out of the house and pretend I felt great.
But, we didn’t get to go.
I started having migraines again (or whatever you want to
call them).
My narcosis was swelling again. I could barely walk. I was sleeping 15 ish
hours a day. I was a mess in every possible way.
It was like it was in December when they decided it was narcosis,
but this time felt more intense. Maybe because
I was already so worn down it felt more intense or maybe it actually was?
Is this my life now?
A series of cycles like this?
I don’t want to think that, but it is too hard not to.
A week of hell with mind numbing headaches, a week of
getting back on my feet, a week of being on my feet, only to start the cycle
all over again?
Doesn’t sound like the life I thought I had bartered with
God for.
After starting back on the narcosis eating chemo, my 4th
round was just like my first. I thought my head was once again going to explode
and I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain any longer. I had debilitating
headaches, I couldn’t walk without help, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t think
clearly and I was falling deeper and deeper into my dark hole.
I prayed – I prayed hard that God would get on with whatever
He was going to do. If He was going to fix me I wanted Him to please do it. I was
at the end of my rope and needed that fixing soon.
I hurt more than I knew I could hurt.
The narcosis eating pain was different from the narcosis
growing pain. The eating pain completely took me out. I slept for 3 days straight only waking up a
few times to eat or use the restroom.
I didn’t remember it being this bad the very first time, but
Eric assured me it was.
Not only did my head, neck, shoulders, but my heart hurt.
My heart hurt because I was sure me and God had made a
deal. I promised to write more of my
story to help others and He keep the pain away. That was my deal at least.
I guess looking back He never agreed to that deal.
But here I am today, 3 days out from narcosis eating chemo #5 and feeling pretty good. I have a headache and get queasy if I move my
head too fast or am in the car.
Every day that goes by, I get further and further from the
scary side of the ledge and creep closer and closer to the middle – where I pray
I stay for long, long time.
cancer; breast cancer; stage 4 cancer; depression; love;
