7 years later

7 years

I sometimes forget all the crazy that has happened here in Cancerland over my 11 years as a resident here…like that it was 7 years ago today that I had my first brain surgery due a tumor in my brain caused by Metastatic Breast Cancer. (YES – Metastatic breast cancer can/does grow in other parts of the body.)

7 years.

7 years.

It has to sink in with me too.

Eric took me to the ER because I lost control of my right foot while Ian and I were out running errands. My foot was heavy & wasn’t responding to my brain telling it to do stuff.

After a quick MRI, I remember the ER doctor’s eyes when he came in to tell us what was going on. His eyes were kind & filled with sadness. As he was telling us I that I had a large tumor about the size of a tennis ball in my brain, I crumbled in Eric’s arms. We sat there and listened to him telling us the tumor was most likely  caused by breast cancer that moved to my brain. 

This was a TOTAL SHOCK to me being as I had conveniently buried my head in the sand from the facts of MBC…that it can spread to the brain. 

Fast forward to 3 days from the ER visit.

I remember waking up from that surgery so scared & uncertain about everything.

I remember laying the hospital room alone (between family & friends I didn’t have much alone time) so this break from outside noise & chaos was a welcomed break. 

I vividly remember having a conversation with Jesus in my hospital room. He pulled up a chair close to my bed and He sat with me & listened to me.  

I told Him I was scared. 

I told Him I was pissed off at Him.

I told Him how unfair all this sh*t was. 

I asked Him why me. 

I cried my eyes out begging for my life to continue on here on earth. 

I remember Him clasping my hands & engulfing me in His white light…not like I was about to die white light, but the most calming & peaceful serenity feelings filled my heart & soul. 

Then He was gone.

I have never told anyone about this…not sure why. 

I guess I didn’t want any follow up questions about it – like did He say I was going to be fine? Was I going to die? Am I going crazy? What did it mean?

I didn’t and still don’t have answers to all those questions.

But here I am…7 years later.

In these past 7 years I have learned so much, but I think most important lesson I have learned is to absolutely 100% to keep going. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other – even when you have NO idea where it is you are going, you MUST keep going. 

Even if you are taking steps backwards. 

Even if you are marching in place. 

Even if you trip over your feet.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING.