43!

I used to think 43 was so old, but I now understand that age is truly just a number…and numbers don’t define me!

Every birthday I like to reflect on the past year and my 42nd year was one like no other.

Because of Covid, I had way more alone time than ever before and because of that, I had no where to run to when I started getting uncomfortable with the hard questions I was asking myself… what is truly important to me, what kind of person do I want to be, what attributes draws me to and/or pushes me away from others, what gives me energy, what brings on anxiety and so much more.

In my 42nd year I learned/discovered that:

I can now fully accept none of the health issues were my fault…yes, I have held on to the thought that I did something either in this life or another to “deserve” cancer.

I can now befriend my “shadow” side. (Shadow side is all the parts of self that you aren’t proud of.) I have learned that shining a little light on the dark places is a lot less scary than sitting in the dark making up stories about what could be out there.

I want to live a consciousness life…meaning I don’t want to live on autopilot and simply go through the motions of it all nor do I want to be so busy that I don’t have alone time to recharge. During quarantine I have slowed down and am able to focus on one thing at a time and be present with whatever it is that is happening…even if whatever is happening sucks. I have learned from therapy that I have a tendency to “check out” when my nervous system is in overdrive, and I don’t want that anymore.

Things/stuff/food is not going to make me feel better…those things are a great temporary bandaid to cover the hurt/disappointment/sadness/depression/anxiety/whatever but nothing is going to make me honestly happy except myself/my thoughts.

When I mess up/hurt someone’s feelings, I have learned to make it a point to acknowledge my part and apologize for it as soon as I realize that I messed up.

Depression and/or anxiety needs to be talked about more.

I am working on changing my thoughts around everything I have walked through with my health. Instead of trying to act like it was no big deal, I am learning how to embrace it and be proud of myself for always continuing on because it was a big deal!

So…here I am now…43 years old and I feel like I am just starting life! I feel like this past year has really solidified my thoughts and desires on life..Grace, Grit & Gratitude will get me to where I see my future self flourishing and I can’t wait to see what is next in life!