Cancer Talk – what we do and don’t want to hear

I have been in CancerLand for over 14 years now, so lets just say I have heard pretty much everything there is to hear from others when it comes to cancer….EVERYTHING…the good, the bad, the helpful and the ones that leave me thinking, WTF…did they just say to me?!?!

More than likely, they didn’t mean to say anything insensitive, but unfortunately, a lot of things people say leave us (those with cancer) feeling worse vs better.

For this article, I got input from several groups that I am a member of, both for Metastatic Breast Cancer and lower stages (1-3) breast cancer.

I am not saying everyone who has cancer feels the exact same about these sayings, but it seems to be most of us (cancer patients) are on same page.

Things we DO NOT want to hear:

#1.

“You must go to XYZ cancer place.”

First of all, just because it is a big name cancer place doesn’t mean that they have some magic cure hidden away there.

More than likely, if you aren’t going to need a trial drug, XYZ place will be giving you the same first and second line treatments…UNLESS you are needing a trial drug.

I don’t think people understand how hard it is to travel for treatment for a few things here…

⁃ being away from home is hard especially when you feel crap after chemo,

⁃ the driving trips back and forth takes energy…energy you don’t have

⁃ if you need labs or fluids between treatment days that means more driving,

⁃ you feel like a number there (I did at MDA), big doesn’t mean better.

⁃ You want a bond with your doctor(s), nurses, lab techs…someone there… you want to know those who are helping you.

#2.

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

Where do I start with this one?

To me, saying this implies God gave me cancer or “let” it happen.

Well, the God I believe in doesn’t go around “giving” us something that can easily kill you. ??‍♀️

And not to mention, not everyone believes in God and if you are trying to comfort someone and you don’t know who/what they believe in…stay away from this one.

*Tip: You need to acknowledge what/who they believe in…not who/what you believe in because this is about them…not you

#3.

“Everything happens for a reason”

Really?!?!

REA-LLY?????

Would you say that to a person who lost a leg from an accident?

Would you say this to someone who had a tornado take their home?

Would you say that to a person who had a brain aneurysm and lost a bodily function?

NO!

No you would not…or I sure hope not.

Whatever “reason” is it that they think this happened to you has to do with their fear of knowing that it could happen to them too.

“You are going to kick cancers ass”

No…just no.

If I were a boxer and had been actively training for a fight, that’s the correct time to tell me that I am going to kick someone’s ass…I am not a boxer or fighter and have no interest in kicking something’s ass.

And, cancer doesn’t fight fair and truth is, no amount of ass kicking is a guarantee that cancer won’t return.

#5.

“Everything will be ok”

You have NO IDEA how it is going to go, and hearing this can feel very dismissive of the complexities of what the person is feeling/going through.

To me, this is toxic positivity.

It is so much better to acknowledge their fear, anger, sadness…ACKNOWLEDGE that this person is going through a major life altering event.

Saying “everything will be ok” feels very dismissive of the person’s fears.

#6.

“Stay strong & brave”

To me, saying that implies that there is a choice.

There is no other choice…

We do what we need to do and rarely think about being strong and brave,

#7.

“Good thing you caught it early”

While it is always a good thing to catch breast cancer early, it doesn’t mean the person isn’t about to walk through hell getting treatment(s)…whatever treatment(s)needed are going to suck.

⁃ Surgery – please don’t for one second think a mastectomy is in ANYWAY comparable to a boob job… it is major multiple surgeries to remove whole organs off your body.

⁃ Even if major surgery isn’t needed, chemo or radiation or hormone therapy or a combination will be needed…catching it early doesn’t mean it will be easy.

#8.

“You have the good cancer”

SERIOUSLY?!?!

SERIOUSLY?????

Would you ever say, “oh you have the good heart disease?”

Or “you had the good kind of stroke.”

There is NO “good cancer.”

“Get well soon”

I know this is meant to be sweet but again it can feel very dismissive and

un-understand the severity of the situation.

Getting well after cancer has been the hardest thing in my life…there is no soon involved.

There will be a road of many steps that has to be traveled before getting better can begin to happen.

#10

If someone tells you they have Metastatic Breast Cancer or Stage 4 (they are the same thing), you REALLY need to know a few things to not say

“Everything will be fine”

Stage 4 is the stage there is no cure for and the stage that kills.

Tip: If you don’t know what stage 4/Metastatic is…ASK!

Ask them what that means and listen to them when they tell you.

#11

NEVER say:

“Oh, so and so had cancer and she is fine”

⁃ while that makes us happy they are well, you just completely hijacked the conversation and completely dismissed what was told to you

“Oh, so and so had cancer and she died.”

⁃ I mean…do I even need to explain?

“So and so found some herbs online that cured them.”

⁃ Do NOT give medical advice for something you know nothing about.

I know we are hardwired to always want to say something back to whoever is telling us something, but if a person is sharing with you a very personal situation, you need to have respect for what they are sharing and not make it about you.

So, what do we want to hear when we are sharing this very scary situation with you?

#1.

“This sucks”

“I am so heartbroken you have to deal with this”

Acknowledge the bigness of the situation.

Acknowledge the fear, the anxiety, the everything…

Acknowledge their truth.

Acknowledge that you understand that their life is forever going to be changed and you are a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand.

#2.

If you don’t know what to say,

tell them…

tell them you don’t know what to say.