Panic Attacks

Panic attack

I remember the first panic attack I ever had.

I was 25, exhausted from doing too much and I snapped like a
rubber band pulled too tight.

I didn’t know it then that it was a panic attack, but I know
it now.

And I say the first one, but there might have been many,
many more that I didn’t know to classify them as panic attacks.

Who really can 100% classify them as panic attacks?

I remember the first time Eric ever told me he thought I was
having a panic attack – it was after my first brain surgery and radiation; my
head was still killing me; I felt nauseous all the time – like I was motion
sick; and the panic set it…all I could think about was my brain growing another
tumor.

I felt so panicked, I started dry heaving.

Crying uncontrollably just thinking of possibility of
another tumor.

I guess I can add that to my list of sucks – panic attaches.

Some are worse than others. 

Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up – I end up dry
heaving so much I wake up with sore ab muscles the next day.

Sometimes I just meltdown in every way possible.  I feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum
for reasons unknown to on-lookers – but the fact it, the reason I am melting
down in unknown to me too.

Sometimes I just freeze – my brain can’t process what needs
to be down next.

Sometimes I just feel like if I could crawl in bed it would
all be ok…but I know that doesn’t make it all ok.

I had one last weekend –a panic attack.

I hadn’t had one in quite some time, so it really took me by
surprise and shook me up.

Me and mom were out at the Domain to shop around a little
before meeting Eric’s sister and family for dinner.

I was already tired and looking back I know I knew better
than to try to do this.

It was PACKED there.

As soon as I got one look at the crowd, I felt the panic
raising my me.

Even before we stepped into the crowd, I felt my brain
telling me not to go – I didn’t listen.

We walked over to the restaurant to put our name on the waitlist
for dinner, and I couldn’t even go into the restaurant.

I stood outside trying to breath the panic away.

Trying to tell myself it was good that I brought my cane to
help me navigate my way.

Telling myself no one really noticed at 30 something year
old woman walking with a cane.

Mom came to tell me it was going to be over a 2 hour wait
and I cracked…I stood there and cried. 

I felt frozen in time as the world buzzed by leaving me
behind.

A few minutes later, mom got me to a close by table.  I sat with my back to the crowd and just
focused on her.

I was able to get back to my good place soon enough.

I just wish I didn’t have to know how to get back to my good
place.

I try to talk myself out of it. 

I try to tell myself to breath.

I try to remember to ask for help – from God and those
around me.

I try not to let the world close in around me.

I try to get up and walk it off.

I try.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn’t.