Renee Sendelbach Every kind of therapy
Well, I am back at it.
Head therapy
Physical therapy.
These massive highs and lows of dealing with chronic GVH, have
gotten to me into a bad head space.
I knew after this last flair up, I needed help wrapping my
head around this being a chronic thing. I needed help sorting out my feelings
and emotions about being thrown onto yet another roller coaster.
I told my therapist this morning that these GVH flairs are
almost harder than full on chemo. Because with full-on chemo I had a schedule. I knew
when I was going to feel like sh*t, I knew when I was going to be low energy, I
knew when I would have an appetite – I knew all twists and turns on that
roller coaster.
My current life with chronic GVH is like I have been dropped
off at an amusement park that has every ride hidden behind black curtains with
no rhyme or reason to the park’s layout. Behind one curtain there is a super
scary haunted house next to a gentle baby ride next to a super-fast loopy roller coaster.
The kiddie rides are filled with laughs and fun bright
colors there to make everyone happy.
The haunted houses are filled with screams of terror.
The big roller coasters are filled with both screams of
terror begging to get off sitting next to someone loving every second of the
twists, turns and unknown drops.
These past two weeks I had felt like I have been being
thrown into a different haunted house daily. I never knew what was going to pop
out in front of me, when the lights will be on or off or flashed like a rave.
I have been on edge – just waiting for what was going to
jump out.
It is so hard to keep my guard up all the time – trying to
be prepared for what is lurking around the next corner.
My therapist wants me to start journalling all this craziness
that goes on in my head. I am going to, but honestly it scares me a bit.
Maybe
I don’t want to sit with all my deep dark demons and ask them why they are
here, and try to talk to them and tell them they are welcome here because they aren’t
going to push me out – after all…this is where I live!
Physical therapy was my next stop on my therapy train today.
I must say, I do love my PT doctor and his staff. It is nice
to go in and see people I know, to have stuff to talk about other then why I am
there again…to have people on my side.
PT is same ole same ole. I am starting for the bottom again
because yet again, I didn’t keep up with my exercises.
Oh yes, that is something my therapist told me I HAVE to
stop doing – blaming and beating up myself. OH – so much easier said than done.
I did stop by Lowe’s today also to buy new paint to try a
new painting technique! I am super excited about tomorrow! I guess I can count that as art therapy?!?!
